Check out children's author Rick Walton's books.
The Goldilocks Project |
by David Hulet
For this undertaking you will need:
-An affinity for porridge
- A forest in which to get lost
- Curly golden hair (of at least 14 karats)
- A pretty summer dress of yellow cloth embroidered with bright flowers of multiple colors and a red bow that ties in the back. Also a matching red bow to tie back your golden locks is helpful, but not required.
- Excellent skipping skills, breaking and entering skills, and sleeping ability
Step 1: Getting Lost
Begin by donning your pretty summer dress (and matching red bow if you have one) and going for a walk in the woods. Be sure and admire the wildlife as well as kick pinecones.
Burst into song spontaneously and then skip merrily along, paying no attention to your location until you are thoroughly lost.
Search vigorously until you happen upon some type of dwelling.
Step 2: Rapping (not to be confused with singers who talk really fast and call it “music”)
Approach the dwelling quietly until you are near the front door.
Ball your fist and rap loudly using your first and second knuckles.
If someone is home, ask directions and become unlost. Repeat Step 1.
If no one answers, peek in a window to make certain everyone is gone.
Try the door. If it's open, go on inside. If it's locked, employ your breaking and entering skills. Jimmy the lock, then enter the house. (For specific lock-picking skills, it is recommended you acquire Chicago or Los Angeles street-skills. Don't die while training).
Step 3: A Tooth for Gluttony
First head for the kitchen. Check out the varieties of fruit snacks, potato chips,
and/or candy. Satisfy your sweet-tooth cravings.
Next look for something healthy, like porridge. Again, feel free to help yourself
but sample everything first so that you eat only the porridge which tastes “just right.”
Eat and eat and eat until you are full, but make sure you completely finish off at
least one food item in the house so the owners will have no choice but to go shopping upon their return.
When you are finished scarfing, please wash your dishes. Slobbish uninvited houseguests are far less tolerable than those who clean up after themselves.
Step 4: Deadly Sin #5: Laziness
Now that your hunger has been satiated, feel free to indulge your laziness. Head for the family room, and find a comfy spot to watch some TV. Make sure the chair you select is not too hard or too soft by testing every seat in the house.
Find the remote and turn on old school Looney Tunes cartoons (preferably of the Tom & Jerry variety).
Be careful not to be overzealous, but be sure and break at least one item of furniture. (It is suggested this substep be completed while rocking out to one of those punk anarchist music videos you don't want your kids to watch).
Step 5: Lunesta can help…or a nap.
When you tire of mindless image watching, wander upstairs to rest.
Be sure and check all the bedrooms to find a sleeping spot that is not too big or too soft.
Curl up in a little ball, close your eyes, and forget about everything mildly illegal you just did.
Step 6: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
After some time you will be awakened rudely by the owners who have returned,
found their missing food, broken furniture, and now want to sue and/or murder you.
Right after opening your eyes, be sure and scream as loud as you can for as long
as you can to try and disarm your adversaries. (Or just injure your voice box).
Scramble out of the bed and jump out a window (NOTE: Only employ this escape
method if you know how to fly) or run past them down the stairs and try to make it out the door without dying.
If you have ninja-skills, or know the Vulcan Nerve Punch, feel free to subdue the house owners and escape at a more leisurely pace.
Step 7: Run for your life
Run faster than you ever have before until you are far away from the owners and their house.
Hopefully in your flight you will find your way out of the forest. If not, just repeat step 1.
Hire a lawyer, the owners were serious about suing you.
Copyright 2007© David Hulet. All rights reserved.
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