Ask Mr. Science Wiseguy

Help find the cure

If you have a question for Mister Science Wiseguy, send it to .

Q: Do Plants Sleep?

A: Plants can sleep, but they don't, because they don't have pillows and they can't get comfortable enough to sleep without pillows.

Q: How Do Seeds Grow?

A: Usually up.

Q: What Are the Little Black Spots On Strawberries?

A: These little black spots are miniature black holes. As the strawberry grows, these spots develop and grow. When the strawberry becomes ripe, these holes begin sucking up the strawberry. That's why ripe strawberries begin to shrivel up. Once eaten, however, the black holes enter your blood stream and float up to your brain where they begin to eat your brain cells. They eat slowly, however, so it may take several years before your brain is gone. So enjoy your strawberries, but remember, they may help leave you empty-headed.

Q: How Do Computers Work?

A: The inside of a computer is a fascinating place. It consists mostly of a series of tunnels in which live very, very small creatures called troglobytes. These troglobytes are very smart and very fast and love to deliver information. When a person needs to find something out, he types his question into the computer. A little message then appears in the mailbox of the head troglobyte who reads it and decides who in all the troglobyte community would best be able to answer the question. He then gives the question to a troglobyte messenger who runs real fast to the person with the answer. When the troglobyte specialist gets the question he thinks very quickly, comes up with the answer (and if he doesn't know the answer he invents one that sounds good), writes it down on the question paper and gives it back to the messenger who races back to the head troglobyte. The head troglobyte looks at the question to make sure that there are no state secrets given out in the answer, then folds the question and answer into a paper airplane and flies it to the computer screen so the person using the computer can see the answer. It's all very simple, once you understand what troglobytes are and how they work.

Q: Is Air Pollution Bad For You?

A: Only if you breathe.

Q: What Is The Theory of Relativity?

A: Albert Einstein didn't have any parents. He also didn't have any brothers and sisters. Nor did he have any cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, second-cousins, half-third-uncles twice removed, three-quarter half-cousins seven times removed, or dogs who would stay with him longer than three days. Because of this Albert was able to look objectively on the problem of parents and children and discovered a theory that changed the way people around the world thought. He discovered that if you were born to parents, you had relatives. This was a remarkable concept and was fought vigorously by uptown preachers and suburban cab drivers who believe that no one should be forced to be related to anyone if they didn't want to be. Since Einstein's discovery, however, men and women have learned to admit that the silly looking people who live with them are their relatives.

Q: What Is An Echo?

A: The mountains, the walls, the canyons, all listen to people talk and talk and talk.* They wish they could talk like people. Some of them try. When they hear people talk some of them try to say what they hear. Some canyons, some walls, succeed. If you talk to them they'll repeat what you say. But mountains, walls and canyons aren't very smart, and they can't think of anything original to say. So you'll probably never hear one do more than repeat your words.

(*The mountains listen through their mountaineers. The walls, too, have ears. The canyons, well, scientists haven't quite determined how they hear, but they do.)

Q: What's a Gazebo?

A: A gazebo is a rare antelope-type creature that roams the shopping malls of Afghanistan. Although chances are you will never run across a gazebo you will know if you do because the animal you are running across will get very mad at you for running across it. Gazebos, more than any other creature, hate getting run across. You can also tell a gazebo because it wears hot pink bow ties and never changes its dirty sneakers. And it also recites terrible poems, too terrible to quote here, too terrible to even wish on my worst enemy. So if you happen to run across an antelope-type animal wearing a hot pink bow tie and dirty sneakers, put your fingers in your ears so you won't have to listen to his poetry.

Q: Where Does Cottage Cheese Come From?

A: Cottage cheeses are little white lumpy things. They come from animals one inch high that are a cross between a cow and a chicken. Each day these animals, called chows, get into rows, called chow lines, and lay one cottage cheese. The cottage cheese farmer comes along and gathers up these little cheeses and puts them in a bucket. After a long time the bucket is full. The farmer then puts a lid on the bucket and sells it for a good price to the grocery store, who sells it to you at a much higher price. The lifetime of a chow is about one year. When they die the farmer dips them in melted plastic and sells them as golf balls.

If you have any more questions for me, click on e-mail Rick Walton . If it's a question I think a lot of people might want answered, I'll add it to this question list.

well