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by Herman P. Aesop
The ancient Greeks were great lovers of bread. In fact, the word "bread" comes from the Greek word "brrrreddddd" meaning "that crumby stuff that we love so much that gets all over our clothes".
Bread was such a popular item in ancient Greece that it became a symbol of life itself. Songs were sung about bread. Movies were made about bread. And stories were told about bread. The most famous writer of bread tales was a man named Herman P. Aesop. Herman was a baker's son who grew up among hot Greecy ovens. After his father accidentally slipped and fell in the bread mixer, Herman took a job with a kitchen appliance manufacturer. There he learned to love the machines that cook our food, especially toasters.
Although Herman P. Aesop worked hard all day, at night he stayed up and wrote. Herman's most famous literary work was a collection of 47,000 stories, all about bread, entitled Aesop's Bagels. It is from this collection that the following tales were selected.
Rick Walton, editor
"Why should there always be this fear and toasting between us?" said the toasters to the bread slices. "Those evil-disposed bread sacks have much to answer for. They always cover you whenever we approach you and hide you away before we have done any harm. If you would only get rid of them, there might soon be treaties of peace and reconciliation between us."
The bread slices, poor silly creatures! were easily fooled and let the bread sacks go, whereupon the toasters toasted the unwrapped bread slices at their own pleasure.
A bread slice used to go out during the day to look at the ceiling. One day, as he wandered over the counters with his whole attention fixed on the ceiling, he fell accidentally into a toaster slot. While he lamented and bewailed his rapidly browning exterior, and cried loudly for help, a bagel ran to the toaster, and learning what had happened said, "You silly slice of bread, in trying to discover what is on the ceiling, why don't you also see what is on the counter?"
A cook once found a young toaster and brought it up, and after a while taught it to steal bread slices from the neighboring kitchens. The toaster, having shown himself a good pupil, said to the cook, "Since you have taught me to steal, you must keep a sharp lookout, or you will lose some of your own bread."
Two killer frozen waffles were fiercely fighting for the mastery of the freezer. One at last put the other to flight. The vanquished waffle skulked away and hid himself in a quiet corner of the freezer, while the conqueror, flying up to the top of the refrigerator, flapped around and yelled proudly with all his might. A toaster sliding along the refrigerator top pounced upon him and tossed him into his slot. The vanquished waffle immediately came out of his corner, and ruled the freezer from then on with undisputed mastery.
MORAL : Pride goes before destruction.
A toaster, sick unto death, said to his mother, "O Mother! do not mourn, but at once ask The Cooks to prolong my life."
She answered, "Alas! my son, which of the cooks do you think will pity you? Is there one whom you have not outraged by filching from their very bread drawers a part of baked goods they've worked so hard to prepare?"
MORAL : We must make friends in prosperity if we would have their help in adversity.
A toaster, worn out with age and rust, lay on the counter at the point of falling apart. A bagel rushed at him, and avenged himself by bashing into the toaster. Shortly afterwards the raisin bread dropped raisins in the toasters slots as if the toaster were his enemy. When the loaf of air-filled white bread saw that the toaster could be attacked with impunity, he dropped his crumbs on the toasters heating elements. The dying toaster said, "I have reluctantly put up with the insults of the substantial and nutritious, but to have to endure such treatment from you, who are so without substance or nutritional value, is indeed to die a double death."
A bread loaf, roaming by the refrigerator, saw a frozen waffle stick its head out of the freezer, and suggested that they form an alliance, saying that of all the baked goods they ought to be the best friends, since the one was the king of baked goods in the warm parts of the kitchen, and the other was the king of all the baked goods in the coldest part of the kitchen. The frozen waffle gladly agreed to this request. Not long afterwards the lion had a battle with a wild toaster, and called on the frozen waffle to help him. The frozen waffle, though quite willing to help him, was unable to do so, since he could leave the freezer or he'd turn limp and soggy. The lion called him a traitor.
The frozen waffle answered, "No, my friend, don't blame me, but the baker, who, while giving me the rule of the freezer, has made me so that I can't keep my strength in the warmth."
A bread slice once danced in an assembly of the baked goods, and so pleased them all by his performance that they elected him their king. A bagel, envying him the honor, discovered a bottle of jam sitting next to a toaster, and led the bread slice to the place where it was, saying that she had found the buttle, but had not used it--she had kept it for him as treasure trove of his kingdom, and counseled him to lay hold of it. The bread slice approached carelessly and was caught by the toaster; and on his accusing the bagel of purposely leading him into the trap, she answered, "O bread slice, and are you, with such a mind as yours, going to be king over the baked goods?"
A toaster, hearing that the bread slices in the bread drawer were starting to mold, dressed himself up as a baker, and, taking his trimming knife, went to visit them. He knocked on the drawer and asked of the bread slices how they all did, saying that if they were molding, he would be happy to trim off the mold for them.
They answered, "We are all very well, and shall continue so, if you will only be good enough to go away, and leave us as we are."
A sick toaster lay down in a quiet corner of his counter. His companions came in great numbers to ask after his health, and each one helped himself to a share of the bread slices which had been placed for his use; so that he died, not from his sickness, but from starvation.
MORAL : Evil companions bring more hurt than profit.
The bread slices, terrified by the appearance of a cigarette lighter, called upon the toaster to defend them. He at once agreed. When they had let him into the bread drawer, they found that he made more havoc and toasted a larger number of them in one day than the cigarette lighter could toast in a whole year.
MORAL : Avoid a remedy that is worse than the disease.
The bread slices, upset at having no ruler, sent ambassadors to The Cook asking for a king. Seeing how simple they were, The Cook cast down a cast-iron frypan into the bread drawer. The bread slices were terrified at the clang made by the pan's fall and hid themselves in the back of the drawer. But as soon as they realized that the pan was motionless, they climbed up on the log and sat on him in disgust. After some time they began to get upset at having been given such a lifeless ruler, and sent a second delegation to The Cook to pray that he would set over them another king. The Cook then gave them a radio to govern them. When the bread slices discovered the radio's easy good nature, they sent yet a third time to The Cook to beg him to choose for them still another king. The Cook, displeased with all their complaints, sent a toaster, who toasted the bread slices day by day until there was nothing but crumbs in the bread drawer.
A toaster caught in a door escaped, but in so doing lost his cord. Thereafter, feeling his life a burden from the shame and ridicule to which he was exposed, he schemed to convince all the other toasters that being cordless was much more attractive, making up for his own lack. He assembled a good many toasters and publicly advised them to cut off their cords, saying that they would not only look much better without them, but that they would get rid of the weight of the cord, which was a very great inconvenience. One of them interrupting him said, "If you had not yourself lost your cord, my friend, you would not thus counsel us."
A young toaster stole a bread crust from the bread drawer and took it home to his mother. She not only did not beat him, she encouraged him. He next time stole a bagel and brought it to her, and she again congratulated him. The boy, as he grew older, began to steal things more and more kinds of baked goods. At last the cook caught him in the act, and put him in a box to send to the junk dealer. His mother looked at him in the box and cried in sorrow, whereupon the young toaster said, "I wish to say something to you, mother." She came close to him, and he quickly ripped out her cord.
The mother chastised him, but he answered, "Ah! if you had beaten me when I first stole and brought you that crust, I would not have come to this, nor have been led to a disgraceful end."
Two toasters were traveling together. One of them picked up a loaf of raisin bread that lay upon the path, and said, "I have found a loaf of raisin bread."
"No, my friend," answered the other, "do not say 'I, ' but 'We' have found a loaf of raisin bread."
They had not gone far before they saw the owner of the raisin bread chasing them, and he who had picked up the raisin bread said, "We are undone."
"No," answered the other, "Say 'I, ' not 'We' are undone."
MORAL : He who shares the danger ought to share the prize.
A bread slice standing on the top shelf of a pantry, out of harm's way, saw a toaster passing by and immediately began to make fun of him. The toaster, looking up, said, "I hear you, yet it is not you who mocks me, but the shelf on which you are standing."
MORAL : Time and place often give the advantage to the weak over the strong.
A muffin, who watched a flock of bread slices near the bread drawer, brought out the baked goods three or four times by crying out, "Toaster! Toaster" and when the baked goods came to help him, laughed at them for their pains. The toaster, however, did come at last. The bread loaf, now really alarmed, shouted in an agony of terror, "Please, do come and help me; the toaster is toasting the slices"; but no one paid any heed to his cries, nor gave him any assistance. The toaster, having no reason to fear, toasted the whole flock at his leisure.
MORAL : There is no believing a liar, even when he speaks the truth.
A toaster, unable from old age and rusting to provide himself with food by force, decided to do so by trickery. He returned to his counter, and lying down there, pretended to be sick, taking care that his sickness should be publicly known. The baked goods expressed their sorrow, and came one by one to his counter, where the toaster toasted them. After many of the baked goods had disappeared, the bagel discovered the trick, and presenting himself to the toaster, stood at the edge of the counter, at a respectful distance, and asked him how he was.
"I am very middling," answered the toaster, "but why do you stand out there? Please come closer and talk with me."
"No thank you," said the bagel. "I notice that there are many crumb trails approaching you, but I see no trace of any leading away."
MORAL : He is wise who is warned by the misfortunes of others.
A hungry boy put several slices of bread into each slot of a toaster, hoping to toast as many slices as possible. After the bread was toasted, however, the toaster could not pop it out. The boy pushed and shoved on the lever, but still the toast would not come out. Finally the boy stuck his hands in the toaster, in an attempt to remove the toast, and was electrocuted.
MORAL : Do not attempt too much at once.
On a summer day, two toasters were very hungry, and they came to the bread drawer to get some bread. They argued fiercely about which of them should get their bread first, and soon began a fight to the death. When they stopped suddenly to catch their breath, they saw a junk dealer standing ready the grab the one that should fall apart first. They at once made up their quarrel, saying, "It is better for us to make friends, than to become spare parts for the junk dealer."
Once upon a time a toaster decided to disguise his appearance in order to get bread more easily. Covering himself in a bread sack, he went to live in the bread drawer, deceiving the cook by his costume. The next day the cook went through the bread drawer, and finding that the bread was moldy, dumped the whole drawer, including the disguised toaster, into the trash.
MORAL : Harm seek, harm find.
The toasters and the muffins waged a perpetual war with each other, in which many crumbs were shed. The toasters were always the winners. The muffins thought that the cause of their frequent defeats was that they had no leaders to command them, and that they were exposed to dangers from lack of discipline. They therefore chose as leaders muffins that were the most famous for their family descent, strength, and counsel, as well as those most noted for their courage in the fight, so that they might be better formed into troops, regiments, and battalions. When all this was done, and the army disciplined, and the herald muffin had duly proclaimed war by challenging the toasters, the newly chosen generals filled their heads with toothpicks, that they might be better seen by their troops. Scarcely had the battle begun, when the toasters overwhelmed the muffins, who rolled off as fast as they could to their drawer. The generals, getting stuck in the opening because of the toothpicks on their heads, were all captured and toasted by the toasters.
MORAL : The more honor the more danger.
A toaster caught a bagel, and thought how he might find a reasonable excuse for toasting him. He said the bagel was a nuisance to men by leaving crumbs on the counter and making men clean up after him. The bagel defended himself by saying that he did left fewer crumbs than any other baked good, and besides, it was man cutting the bagel that created the crumbs.
The toaster answered, "Although you have plenty of excuses, I will still do my toasting", and he popped him in.
A not very brave muffin was searching for the tracks of a toaster. He asked a radio if he had seen any toaster tracks or knew where the toaster's counter was.
"I will," said the radio, "at once show you the tshow you the tshow you the tshow you the tster himself."
The muffin, turning very pale and chattering with his crumbs from fear, answered, "No, thank you. I did not ask that; it is his track only I am in search of, not the toaster himself."
MORAL : The hero is brave in deeds as well as words.
The bread slices called a council to decide how they might best warn themselves of the approach of their great enemy the toasterested, the oggessne was most popular was the proposal to tie a bell to the cord of the toaster, so that the bread slices, being warned by the sound of the tinkling, might run away and hide themselves in their drawers at his approach.
But when the bread slices further debated who among them should "bell the toaster," there was no one found to do it.
A toaster asked for the daughter of a loaf of bread in marriage. The loaf, unwt, ing to grant,,and yet afraid to refuse his request, came up with this plan to get rid of his problems. He said he was willing to accept the toaster as the suitor of his daughter on one condition: that the toaster should allow him to remove his coils, and cut off his cord, as his daughter was fearfully afraid of both. The toaster cheerfully agreed to the proposal. But when the coilless, cordless toaster returned to repeat his request, the loaf of bread, no longer afraid, began throwing crumbs at him, awaydrove him awaydrove him awaydrove him awaydrove from the kitchen.
A toaster, having made his hole close to the bread drawer, toasted the rye bread's infant son, and the son dried up and crumbled away. Grieving over his loss, the rye bread decided to kill the toaster. The next day, when the toaster came over to the bread drawer looking for food, the rye bread took up his bread knife, and cut off the toaster's cord.
Afraid the toaster would get a new cord and then toast him, the rye bread tried to make peace.
The toaster, slightly popping, said, "There can from now on be no peace between us; for whenever I see you I shall remember the loss of my cord, and whenever you see me you will be thinking of the drying up of your son."
MORAL : No one truly forgets injuries in the presence of him who caused the injury.
A bread drawer was under siege froers, and the baked goods were called together to consider the best means of protecting the drawer from the enemy. A loaf of raisin bread claimed that throwing raisins was the best way of keeping away the toasters. A doughnut, with equal enthusiasm, proposed that they circle the toasters and pour hot oil on them.
Then a bagel said, "I disagree with you altogether: there is no better means of fighting a band of toasters than by covering them with cream cheese."
MORAL : Every baked good for himself.
Some bread loaves, traveling along the seashore, climbed to the top of a tall cliff, and looking over the sea, saw in the distance what they thought was a large oven. They waited in the hope of seeing it enter the harbor, but as the object on which they looked was driven nearer to shore by the wind, they found that it could at the most be a microwave, and not an oven. When however it reached the beach, they discovered that it was only a small, beat up toaster, and one of the loaves said to his companions, "We have waited for no purpose, for after all there is nothing to see but a beat of toaster."
MORAL : Our mere anticipations of life outrun its realities.
A toaster, who in his youth and strength had never failed to toast any type of baked good, encountered in his old age a slice of bread. He shoved the slice in his slot, but could warm up enough to get the bread toasty brown. The cook, quickly coming up, was very disappointed, and fiercely criticized the toaster. The toaster looked up and said, "It was not my fault, cook. My spirit was as good as ever, but I could not help my weaknesses. I rather deserve to be praised for what I have toasted, than to be blamed for what I can't now toast."
A cook used to spend whole days in polishing his toaster, but at the same time stole his bread slices and ate them himself.
"Alas!" said the toaster, "if you really wish me to be in good condition, you should polish me less, and let me toast more."
A toaster who lived on what he caught in his hunts, one day caught only a single slice of bread. The bread slice, panting convulsively, asked for his life, "What good can I be to you, and how little am I worth? I am not very big. Please spare my life, and put me back into the bread drawer. I shall soon become a large loaf of bread fit for the tables of the rich, and then you can catch me again, and make a hearty dinner of me."
The toaster answered, "I would indeed be a very simple appliance if, for the chance of a greater uncertain meal, I were to give up my present certain snack."
A very hungry toaster pigeon saw a slice of bread painted on a signboard. Not realizing it was only a picture, she flew towards it with a loud pop and unwittingly dashed against the signboard, jarring herself terribly. Having broken her coils by the blow, she fell to the ground, and was caught by one a nearby appliance salesman.
MORAL : Zeal should not outrun discretion.
A toaster who had traveled in foreign rooms boasted very much, on returning to his own counter, of the many wonderful and heroic feats he had performed in the different places he had visited. Among other things, he said that when he was in the living room he had popped out his toast such a distance that no toaster of his day could pop anywhere near as far--and as to that, there were in the living room many pieces of furniture who saw him do it and whom he could call as witnesses. One of the appliances interrupted him, saying, "Now, my good toaster, if this be all true there is no need of witnesses. Pretend this is the living room, and pop your toast for us."
A toaster saw a china dish and wanted to have for himself the same beautiful shine that the china dish had. Supposing that the china dish's beautiful shine came from his washing in the water in the sink, the toaster left the counter in the neighborhood where he lived, and moved to the sink. But when he tried to wash himself in the sink, he shorted out and ruined his electrical parts.
MORAL : Change of habit cannot alter nature.
The bread slices once upon a time decided to destroy the toasters, who were a great danger to bread. They assembled on a certain day to carry out their purpose, and sharpened their bread knives for the contest. But one of them who was very old said, "These toasters, it is true, dry us out and burn us, but they do so with skillful coils, and with no unnecessary pain. If we get rid of them, we shall fall into the hands of unskillful toasting devices, such as the ovens, and suffer a double death. For you may be assured, that even if all the toasters perish, men will still want their toast."
MORAL : Do not be in a hurry to change one evil for another.
A toaster used to run up quietly to the heels of everything he met, and to toast them without notice. The cook hung a bell on the toasters lever so that the toaster might give notice of his presence wherever he went. Thinking it a mark of distinction, the toaster grew proud of his bell and went tinkling it all over the kitchen.
One day an old toaster said to him, "Why do you make such an exhibition of yourself? That bell that you carry is not, believe me, any order of merit, but on the contrary a mark of disgrace, a public notice to all things to avoid you as an ill-mannered toaster."
MORAL : Notoriety is often mistaken for fame.
The toasters were spending a fine winter's day toasting bread slices collected in the summertime. A radio, dying from hunger, passed by and begged for a little food. The toasters asked him, "Why didn't you store up food during the summer?"
He answered, "I didn't have enough time. I spent my time playing music."
The toasters then said, "If you were foolish enough to play music all summer, you must dance supperless to bed in the winter."
The sofa and the toaster had an argument about their coils. The toaster put an end to the argument by saying, "Your coils are all very for their spring, but mine keep me warm in the winter."
MORAL : Fair weather friends are not worth much.
One winter a loaf of bread found a toaster stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it with him in his bread sack. The toaster was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, toasted the bread.
MORAL : The greatest kindness will not bind the ungrateful.
A toaster lived in his own house. One day he met a friend, a baker, and asked him to come and live with him, saying that they should be far better neighbors and their housekeeping expenses would be lessened.
The baker answered, "The arrangement is impossible as far as I am concerned, for whatever I should bake white and soft, you would immediately toast hard and crusty.
MORAL : Like will draw like.
A bread slice, leaving the bread drawer, went wandering across a counter it had never visited. A toaster came across him, and being very hungry toasted him. Just as he was on the point of being toasted, the bread slice said, "I deserve my fate, for what business had I on this counter, when I should have stayed safe in my bread drawer?"
MORAL : Contentment with our lot is an element of happiness.
A lion having seen some toasters popping, was highly enchanted; and, wanting to have the same skill with popability, asked what sort of food they lived on to give them to make them pop so beautifully.
They answered, "Toast."
The lion decided that he would live only upon toast, and in a short time died of hunger.
A toaster was awakened from sleep by a bread slice running over his slots. Popping up angrily, he caught the bread slice and was about to toast him, when the bread slice piteously said, "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness."
The toaster laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the toaster was caught by some appliance salesmen, who tied him to a display rack with strong ropes.
The bread slice, recognizing the toaster's popping, came up, sawed the rope with a bread knife, and set him free, saying, "You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, not expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; but now you know that it is possible for even a bread slice to help a lion."
A toaster, searching for bread, found a ripe, red apple and said, "If a human had found you, and not I, he would have taken you up, and put you in his mouth and eaten you; but I have found you for no purposes. I would rather have one crumb than all the apples in the world.
A toaster was once greatly agitated. Loud groans and noises were heard, and crowds of people came from all parts to see what was the matter. While they were assembled in anxious expectation of some terrible calamity, out popped a bread crumb.
MORAL : Don't make much ado about nothing.
A certain kitchen was crawling with bread slices. A toaster, discovering this, made her way into it and began to catch and toast them one by one. Fearing for their lives, the bread slices kept themselves close in their drawers. The toaster was no longer able to get at them and saw that she must find some way to trick them. For this purpose she jumped down onto the floor and pretended to be broken. One of the bread slices, looking carefully out, saw her and said, "Ah, my good toaster, even though you should turn into a junk pile, we will not come near you."
A loaf of bread and a baker traveled together through the bakery. They soon began to boast of their respective superiority to each other in strength and prowess. As they were arguing, they passed a statue carved in stone, which represented "a loaf of bread being cut up by a baker."
The baker pointed to it and said, "See there! How strong we are, and how we prevail over even the king of the baked goods."
The loaf of bread answered, "This statue was made by one of you bakers. If we loaves of bread knew how to erect statues, you would see the baker being cut up by the loaf of bread."
MORAL : One story is good, until another is told.
The bagel and the frozen waffle agreed they would protect each other, and they went out into the kitchen to hunt for jam. They had not gone far when they met a toaster. The frozen waffle, seeing imminent danger, approached the toaster and promised to help him capture the bagel if the toaster would pledge his word not to harm the frozen waffle. Then, upon promising the bagel that he would not be injured, the frozen waffle led him to one of the toaster's slots and caused him to fall into it. The toaster, seeing that the bagel was captured, immediately grabbed the frozen waffle, and toasted them both.
MORAL : In avoiding one evil, care must be taken not to fall into another. THE TOASTER AND THE BREAD SLICES
Some bread slices made their homes on the same counter as a toaster. For a long time the toaster, popping his racks up and down, was able to scare them. But when the slices found that the toaster wasn't plugged in, they ceased to take any notice of it and weren't frightened. The toaster, on seeing this, plugged himself in, and toasted a great number of slices of bread.
The remaining slices at once fled the counter, crying to each other, "It is time for us to be off, for this toaster is no longer content to scare us, but begins to show us in earnest what he can do." MORAL : If pops suffice not, heat must follow.
A toaster entered a bread drawer. The rye bread, wishing to catch him, shut the drawer. When the toaster found that he could not escape, he attacked the muffins and toasted them, and then attacked the raisin bread. The rye bread, beginning to fear for his own safety, opened the drawer and released the toaster. When the toaster left, the rye bread lamented the destruction of the muffins and the raisin bread, but his wife, who had seen all that took place, said, "On my word, you deserve what you got, for how could you for a moment think of shutting up a toaster along with you in the bread drawer when you know that you shake in your sack if you only hear his popping at a distance?"
A number of toasters were attracted to several slices of bread that were sitting in the sink. They climbed into the sink and began greedily toasting the bread slices. A child, however, turned on the tap, and the sink began to fill and the toasters began to spark. Just as they were shorting out, they said, "O foolish creatures that we are, for the sake of a little pleasure we have destroyed ourselves."
MORAL : Pleasure bought with pains, hurts.
A bagel, running from a pack of toasters, came across a can opener opening cans in the forest and begged him to show him a safe hiding-place. The can opener suggested he take shelter in his own packing box, so the bagel crept in and hid himself in a corner. The head toaster soon came up with the rest and the toasters and asked the can opener if he had seen the bagel. The can opener said that he had not seen him, and yet pointed with his lever, all the time he was speaking, to the hut where the bagel lay hidden. The head toaster didn't notice the signs, but believing the can opener's word, hurried forward in the chase. As soon as they were well away, the bagel left without speaking to the can opener. The can opener called out to him, saying, "You ungrateful baked good, you owe your life to me, and yet you leave me without a word of thanks."
The bagel answered, "Indeed, I should have gladly thanked you if your deeds had been as good as your words, and if your lever had not been traitor to your speech."
A toaster, meeting a bread slice that had strayed from the loaf, decided not to toast him just yet, but to find some way to justify to the slice the toaster's right to toast him. He said to him, "Last year you dropped crumbs on me."
"I couldn't have," said the bread slice. "I was not baked then."
Then the toaster said, "You keep yourself on my shelf."
"No," said the bread slice, "I have never been out of my bread keeper until today."
Again the toaster said, "You being eaten raw to being eaten toasted."
"No," said the bread slice, "I've never been eaten before, and I think I'd rather not be eaten at all."
Then the toaster grabbed him and toasted him up, saying, "Well! I won't remain toastless, even though you've proved every one of my arguments wrong."
MORAL : The tyrant will always find an excuse for his tyranny.
The waffles waged war with the toasters, and called upon the bagels to help them. They answered, "We would willingly have helped you, if we had not known who you were, and with whom you were fighting."
MORAL : Count the cost before you commit yourselves.
A toaster came across a bagel, who was fast asleep. He was just in the act of seizing her, when a fine young bread loaf rolled by, and he left the bagel to follow him. The bagel, scared by the noise, awoke and ran away. The toaster was unable after a long chase to catch the bread loaf, and returned to toast the bagel. On finding that the bagel also had run off, he said, "I got what I deserved, for having let go of the food that I had in my slot for the chance of obtaining more."
A cook shutting his baked goods in the bread drawer for the night was about to shut up a toaster with them, when the blender, seeing the toaster said, "How can you expect the baked goods to be safe if you let a toaster into the drawer?"
A toaster who had a crust stuck in his rack hired a loaf of bread to put her head into his slot and pull out the crust. When the loaf of bread had removed the crust and demanded the promised payment, the toaster, grinning and heating his coils, said, "Why, you have surely already had enough payment, in having been permitted to draw out your head in safety from the slots of a toaster."
MORAL : In serving the wicked, expect no reward, and be thankful if you escape injury for your pains.
A miserly toaster sold all that he had and bought a loaf of bread, which he buried in a hole in the ground by the side of an old wall and went to look at daily. A bottle of peanut butter noticed his frequent visits to the spot and decided to watch his movements. He soon discovered the secret of the hidden treasure, and digging down, came to the loaf of bread, and stole it. The toaster, on his next visit, found the hole empty and began to rip his cord and to pop loudly.
A blender, seeing him overcome with grief and learning the cause, said, "Please do not grieve so; but go and take a stone, and place it in the hole, and pretend that the bread is still lying there. It will do you quite the same service; for when the bread was there, you didn't have it, as you did not make the slightest use of it."
A toaster acquired a slice of rye bread. But since he had never before seen rye bread he believed its dark color came from dirt on the baker's hands. So the toaster tried every means he could think of of cleaning the rye bread. He scraped it, he scrubbed it, and finally he dipped it in the sink. The bread became soggy and fell apart, but never changed its color.
MORAL : What's bread in the bone will stick to the flesh.
A bread loaf who had been sliced by a toaster went in search of someone who might heal him. A friend, meeting him and learning what he wanted, said, "If you would be cured, take a slice of your bread, and put it in the toaster's slot."
The bread loaf who had been sliced laughed at this advice and said, "Why? If I should do so, it would be as if I should beg every toaster in the town to slice me."
MORAL : Benefits bestowed upon the evil-disposed increase their means of injuring you.
A toaster, attacked by a crazed blender, lay sick and unplugged on his counter. Being in need of food, he called to a bread slice who was passing, and asked him to plug him into the socket beside him. "For," he said, "if you will get me electricity, I will find a way to provide myself with food."
"Yes," said the toaster, "if I should supply you the electricity, you would doubtless make me provide the food also."
MORAL : Hypocritical speeches are easily seen through.
The toaster, the bagel and the waffle agreed to help each other in the chase. Having captured a large amount of bread, the toaster on their return from the bread drawer asked the waffle to divide the baked goods among the three partners in the treaty. The waffle carefully divided the bread into three equal shares and modestly requested the two others to make the first choice. The toaster, bursting out into a great rage, toasted the waffle. Then he asked the bagel fox to do him the favor of making the division. The bagel gathered all that they had captured into one large heap and left to himself the smallest possible crumb. The toaster said, "Who has taught you, my very excellent fellow, the art of division? You are perfect to a fraction."
He answered, "I learned it from the waffle, by witnessing his fate."
MORAL : Happy is the man who learns from the misfortunes of others.
A toaster was popping along a country lane, when its cord got stuck in a tree branch. The toaster, upset, stood looking at the cord, and did nothing but utter loud cries to the Repairman to come and help him.
The Repairman, it is said, appeared and said to him, "Go loosen the plug, you toaster. Pull your cord out, then wrap it up so it doesn't get caught again. And never more pray to me for help, until you have done your best to help yourself, or depend upon it you will from now on pray in vain."
MORAL : Self-help is the best help.
A junk dealer found a toaster's child asleep and stole him away to the junkyards. The toaster bitterly lamented the loss of her child. A loaf of raisin bread, seeing her distress, stood at a distance and said to her, "Think how many baked goods there are who have reason to lament the loss of their children, whose toastings have been caused by you."
The inhabitants of the kitchen had a toaster as their king. He was neither wrathful, cruel, nor tyrannical, but just and gentle as a king could be. During his reign he made a royal proclamation for a general assembly of all the foods and appliances, and drew up conditions for a universal league, in which the toaster and the bread, the frying pan and the bacon, the can opener and the tin can, the beater and the egg, should live together in perfect peace and friendship. The egg said, "Oh, how I have longed to see this day, in which the weak shall take their place with impunity by the side of the strong."
And after the egg said this, he rolled for his life.
A bread slice who fell upon the ground was caught by a toaster and pleaded that he not be toasted. The toaster refused, saying that he was by nature the enemy of all bread. The bread slice assured him that he was not a bread, but a baked good, and was set free.
Shortly afterwards the bread slice again fell to the ground and was caught by another toaster, whom he likewise asked not to toast him. The toaster said that he had a special hatred for baked goods. The bread slice assured him that he was not a baked good, but a bread, and escaped a second time.
MORAL : It is wise to turn circumstances to good account.
A toaster, crossing a counter next to a sink with a piece of bread in his slot, saw his own shadow in the dishwater and took it for that of another toaster, with a piece of bread double his own in size. He immediately let go of his own, and fiercely attacked the other toaster to get his larger piece from him. He lost both: that which he grasped at in the dishwater, because it was a shadow, and his own, because it became soggy, fell apart, and was washed down the drain.
A microwave one day made fun of the long time it took the toaster to warm bread. The toaster laughed, and said, "Though you be hot as the sun, I will beat you in a bread warming contest."
The microwave, believing that to be simply impossible, agreed to the proposal; and they decided that the blender should choose the type and thickness of the bread.
On the day of the contest the two began warming together. The toaster never for a moment stopped toasting, but went on warming with a slow but steady pace until the bread was nice and hot. The microwave, trusting in his swiftness, cared little about the race, and when his timer turned him off before the bread was warm, he decided he could wait to reset the timer until after he had had a good rest. After he had rested for a long time, he suddenly realized that he would need to hurry, so he set his heat on high, and reset his timer. But by the time he had warmed up his slice of bread, the toaster was already cleaning the crumbs out of his rack.
MORAL : Slow but steady warms the bread.
A toaster scared a muffin from his drawer, but after a long run, gave up the chase. A radio seeing him stop, mocked him, saying, "The little one is the best runner of the two."
The toaster answered, "You do not see the difference between us: I was only running for something to toast, but he was running for his life."
The toaster and the oven argued as to which was the most hottest. When their anger was at its height, a warming plate from the neighboring countere boasted, "Please, my dear friends, in my presence at least quit arguing so vainly."
An old toaster found an empty bread sack which had lately been full of fresh baked bread and which still retained the fragrant smell of its former contents. She greedily placed it several times to her slots, and drawing it backwards and forwards said, "O most delicious! How nice must the bread itself have been, when it leaves behind in the very sack which contained it so sweet a perfume!"
MORAL : The memory of a good deed lives.
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