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by Rick Walton
Once there was a boy who never wanted to get his toenails cut. Everyone called him Claws, because his toenails were so long and sharp that they dug into everything he walked on.
Claws didn't care what others said about his feet, because he liked his long toenails. They were good for scratching in the dirt, and for peeling oranges, and for tickling beetles.
Sometimes he'd play like he was an eagle, and swoop down and pick up the cat with his claws. The cat would scratch and bite, but Claws would just laugh.
Sometimes he'd play like he was a steam shovel, and dig big ditches across the lawn, until his daddy came out and swatted his bottom but good.
And sometimes he liked to climb in the tree and swing by his feet and scratch his initials into the bark.
Then one day when he was up in the tree, his mama came out and said to him, "What do you think you are, you with the long toenails up there?"
And Claws said, "I'm a visitor from another planet, who's come down here to carve his initials all over the earth with his feet, and scratch all the bark off the trees."
"Well then, you man from another planet," said his mama, "why don't you come down from the tree. You need to go to the town to the old toenail man today because tomorrow we're going to the zoo, and if you have long toenails like that, they'll just put you right in a cage."
When Claws heard the word "zoo" he jumped down from the tree feet first, and his toenails stuck in the ground. "Help me out, mama, help me out!" he cried.
"Are you going to get your toenails cut?" asked his mama.
Claws said, "Yes, mama. I don't want to be put in the zoo with the rest of the animals."
His mama said, "Okay. Here's seventeen hundred and twenty-two dollars. You take this money and go straight to the toenail man and he'll cut off your toenails. Now hurry along, and don't scratch up anything along the way."
So Claws put his money in his pocket and raced off to the toenail man. When he arrived in town he slowed down and said to himself, "Why should I hurry to the toenail man just to get my beautiful toenails cut off? I can wait a little while. I have time."
He walked until he came to Johnny Baloney's Fast Food and Old Hat Emporium. Claws liked hats, even though he hated to wear them. As he stood there looking at the old hats, though, a wild rhinoceros came and stood by him.
"You're a funny looking human being with toes like that," said the rhinoceros. "Why are you wandering around loose from the zoo?"
Claws answered, "What am I doing wandering around? What are you doing wandering around?"
"I'm the one asking the question," said the rhinoceros.
"Well I'm not going to answer it," said Claws.
The rhinoceros gave a huff and walked away.
Claws went down the street a little farther until he reached Elbert's Old Shoe Factory and Delicatessen. As he stood looking at the pastrami sandwiches in the window, a moose came up and stood beside him.
"What are you doing out of the zoo?" said the moose. "With those long toenails you should be in the zoo where people can laugh at your funny feet."
"What am I doing out of the zoo?" siad Claws, "What are you doing out of the zoo? You're the one who belongs in the zoo! I saw you there seven years ago!"
"That must have been my father," said the moose. "I'm younger and freer than he is. I don't belong in any zoo."
"Yes you do," said Claws.
"I do not!" said the moose, and he got mad and turned around with a "harrumph!" and walked away.
"Does too belong in the zoo," said Claws, "and I don't, so there!" And he turned and continued walking down the street.
He walked until he came to the Lighthouse Pretzel Bakery and Shoe Tying Clinic. As he stared at the giant pretzel in the window, a tree walked up beside him.
"What are you doing out of the zoo, Claws?" asked the tree.
"I DON'T BELONG IN THE ZOO! I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN IN A ZOO!" said Claws.
"Yes you have," said the tree. "You were in one seven years ago. I saw you there. And you need to go back because you look so funny that everyone will want to see you."
"Me look funny," said Claws. "You're the one who looks funny. How often do you see a tree walking down the street and talking to people?"
"I'm not nearly as strange as you think," said the tree. "How often do you see a little boy with toenails two feet long?"
"You just leave my toenails out of it!" said Claws, and he turned and ran down the street until he saw an open shop door. He stepped inside. It was the old toenail man's shop.
"Oh no!" said Claws "Not here!" and he turned and ran out the door. He ran until he came to the cobbler's shop.
"Oh Mr. Cobbler, Mr. Cobbler," said Claws, "can you help me please! I don't want to give up my toenails. They're so long and beautiful, and they took so long to grow. Will you please make me a pair of shoes that I can wear over my toenails so nobody will see them and make fun of me and try to put me in the zoo?"
And the cobbler said, "Why sure. That will cost you seventeen hundred and twenty-two dollars."
"Why what do you know," said Claws. "That's exactly what I have." And he put the money down on the table.
The old cobbler went back into his shop, and in five minutes he came out with a pair of size 71 1/2 shoes that fit Claws just perfectly.
Claws ran home. His mother asked, "Claws, did you get your toenails cut?"
Claws gulped. "Yes, mother, I did."
"Good," said his mother. "In that case we can go to the zoo now."
So Claws and his mother and his father got on their motorcycle and they went to the zoo. They saw all sorts of funny animals, like the rhinoceros and the moose. Claws was having so much fun, but his feet were getting tired with his new shoes. He decided to take them off and go barefoot for awhile.
He sat down on the grass and untied the laces, then took off the shoes. Suddenly a whistle blew and a bell rang and seven zoo people came running out from all corners. "Stop him! Grab him quick!" they shouted.
A burly zoo man picked him up and said, "I wonder how he got out?" They took him to a cage right next to the gorilla.
Claws could see the rhinoceros from his cage. "I told you so," said the rhinoceros. And down the way was the moose. "I told you so," said the moose.
And a tree in front of the cage bowed, and said, "I told you so."
Claws just sat there in the cage. He didn't know what to do. People passed by the cage and stopped to look. They laughed. "Look at that funny boy with the long toenails," they said.
Even his mother and father came by. "Look at that funny boy with the long toenails," they said, and they walked on.
Claws was so sad. He didn't like being in a cage and laughed at.
Finally it was time for the zoo to close. Claws's mother and father came by one last time, and said, "We hope you like it here, Claws. We'll bring you some of your favorite toys, and we'll come to visit you at least once a year."
Claws could only whisper, "okay."
Then his parents went away.
A zoo person came by and threw Claws a bowl of cold oatmeal. Then the zoo was quiet.
Night fell. The lights in the zoo were turned off. Claws was all by himself.
"The only reason I'm here," he said to himself, "is because I've got long toenails, and if I didn't have long toenails maybe they'd let me out."
He looked at his toenails and thought. Then he stuck his foot up to his face and began to chew. Slowly his teeth dug through the toenail on his big toe. It took a long time, and his teeth began to hurt, but soon the toenail fell off.
All night he chewed. By morning he had chewed off all of his toenails and thrown them in the bushes outside the cage.
Just before the zoo opened, a zookeeper brought Claws a bowl of cold oatmeal. "Hey boy," said the zookeeper, "what are you doing in that cage? That cage is for animals. You don't belong in that cage. Come on, get out of there right now."
"I can't, sir," said Claws. "I'm locked in."
The zookeeper took out a key ring with a hundred keys on it. He chose one of the keys and unlocked Claws's cage.
"Thank you, sir," said Claws, and he ran home as fast as his little short feet could take him.
When he reached his house, he shouted, "Mom, Dad! I'm home! I cut off my toenails!"
"How nice," said his mom. "It's nice to see you home. But you know what? Now that your toenails are normal, like everyone else's, we have to find you a new name. How's Big Nose?"
"Big Nose is just fine," said Claws, now Big Nose.
"Fine," said mom. "From now on we'll call you Big Nose.
And Big Nose was very happy, and he cut his toenails every week.
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