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by Rick Walton
A few weeks ago I foolishly gave in to my fantasies and volunteered to take a bridge off the hands of some poor city in the midwest. When it arrived, I was shocked to discover that I hadn't received a bridge, but a BRIDGE! The sucker was three blocks long and four-lanes wide.
In despair, I asked America and the rest of the free universe for suggestions. I was not disappointed. Following are some of the ideas that loyal readers sent in:
--Leonard Allegheny, C.P.A., Princeton Gulley, Oklahoma, counseled me to "Give it to the Salvation Army. Take a huge tax writeoff." (I tried this. They won't take it. Not many poor people need a bridge.)
--Mac Olfling, of Plimpton Falls, California, suggested, "Set it up over the Pacific so we can walk to Hawaii." (This reader has run headfirst into too many abutments.)
--Ella Faloney, a real party animal from Elbow Ridge, Wisconsin, advised me to "Turn it over and fill it with dip, then invite the neighbors over for a barbecue. (It sounds like fun, but I can't afford the chips.)
--Harvey "The Squid" Lefooso, of Grungillion, Montana, wanted me to "Give it to the Army so they can practice bombing bridges." (The Army said they'd be glad to use it for target practice, but they couldn't see why it had to be moved. They thought the present location was just fine.)
--From Spot-On-The-Road, Georgia, came this recommendation: "Have Seaworld put it in their tank so Orca can swim around it. And maybe they can also get a giant statue dressed in scuba gear to stand next to it. And have the statue blow bubbles." (Seaworld said that if they someday wanted a bridge, they'd build their own, thank you.)
--And from the Bronx came a plea from Mo DeFonzelli that I "Open a school for struggling graffiti artists." (Sorry, Mo. I've been advised by graffiti experts that the bright sun of the west would not provide the necessary dingy setting needed for quality graffiti work.)
Mo's proposal did give me an idea, though.
I made a phone call to the Federal Government's Art Acquisition Agency. I told them I was a famous artist with an inspired idea for an art project. They asked how much I wanted. I said $2 million dollars. They said they couldn't contract out for less than $4 million. We made a deal.
So my bridge is gone. My neighbors can again speed down our quiet street and plow through the children playing stickball.
The bridge is now sitting in the center of the United States Seedless Domestic Fruit Control Agency's two hundred acre complex. In front of the bridge is a plaque which reads, "The Bridge." Every day thousands of government employees stop and stare in awe at the wondrous sight. And they're inspired by it's message of unity, connection and the importance of quality masonry.
And I took the $4 million dollars and bought three neighboring counties. Next time I order a bridge, I'm going to have some place to put it.
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