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by Rick Walton
Once upon a time there was a little lady with a big nose. Her nose was so big that she wore a very wide hat to cover it up. And she only took off her hat in the fall, when the birds needed a place to stop and rest as they travelled south, and in the spring, when the birds came back.
She spent many happy years talking to herself and polishing her nose. But one day it suddenly occurred to her that she ought to get married. And she shouldn't marry just anyone. She had to find a little man with a big nose so they could polish their noses together, and be rest stops for birds together, and have lots of little big nosed kids together.
So she went to her next door neighbor and said, "Hi. Do you know somebody with a big nose I can marry?"
And the neighbor said, "Well, I've got a cow with a big nose. Do you want to marry a cow?"
And she said, "No, I don't think so. I think if I married a cow the horns would hurt me when we kissed."
So she went to another neighbor and said, "I want to find someone with a big nose I can marry. Do you know someone with a big nose I can marry?"
And this neighbor said, "I have a goat with a big nose. Would you like to marry a goat?"
And she said, "No, I like goats for the milk and for the meat, and for the fur, but if I kissed a goat then I think I would sneeze because of the beard. So I can't marry a goat."
So she went to another neighbor's house and said, "I want to find somebody with a big nose I can marry. Do you know somebody with a big nose I can marry?"
And the neighbor said, "Sure. I have two little babies with big noses. You can marry one of them in twenty years."
And the old lady said, "Mmmmmm. I don't think I want to wait that long to get married. Twenty years is a long time."
So she went to another neighbor who had a sheep with a big nose, but she didn't want to marry a sheep with a big nose. And she went to another neighbor who had a dog with a big nose, but she didn't want to marry a dog with a big nose. And she went to another neighbor who had a whole herd of buffalo with big noses. And she said, "I like buffalo, but I don't think I would want to sit down to dinner with one."
The little lady walked and walked and walked. And then she thought, "Well, maybe if I make myself beautiful, then maybe someone with a big nose will find me.
So she went to the beauty shop and she had her hair done up in a big beehive. She put on a beautiful red dress with polkadots and a necklace made of clam shells and big clomper shoes. And she put a birdie on her shoulder and said, "Now I'm beautiful. And anyone with a big nose who sees me will want to marry me right away." And all her friends agreed.
But everywhere she went, she couldn't find anyone with big noses. In fact, the more she walked, the smaller the noses seemed to get.
Until one day she found herself in a place where the people didn't have any noses at all. And she started getting really discouraged, because how was she going to find somebody with a big nose if she was in a land where nobody had any noses at all. So she stopped and sat down by the side of the road. She cried and she cried and she cried. And she cried so many tears that a big river started to flow past her, a river made of her own tears. And before long it was a huge river running past, a river full of her tears. The river went away to her left and went around the world and came back on her right and joined up. So there was one big river of tears going all the way around the world.
Then she noticed something floating in the river. The river had picked up things from all over the world, and they were now floating past her. There was a goat with a big nose, and a cow with a big nose, and babies with big noses, and dogs with big noses. And lo and behold, down the river came a man with a big nose.
"Gasp!" she gasped. "There's my honey and I want to marry him." She dove in the river and she grabbed the man by his nose and she pulled him out onto the shore.
And he said, "Oh, thank you, thank you, for saving me from the horrible horrible river. I'll do anything for you since you saved me."
And the lady looked at him and smiled and said, "Marry me."
And the man with the big nose said, "Why of course I'll marry you. You have the most beautiful nose I've ever seen in my whole life. I've been looking all over the world for someone with a nose like yours. I'll be glad to marry you."
So they kissed each other and lived happily ever after. Except when they had colds.
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