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by Liver Vorst
I left home without breakfast because I'd got up late, and on the way to school a doberman pinscher attacked me and to save myself I had to throw him my lunchsack wih the headcheese sandwich my mother had made for me and he ate it and choked and died but now I'm hungry and I have nothing to eat and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
At school Antonia showed me the McDonalds Happy Meal her mother packed her and Nicolette showed me the box of Twinkies her mother packed her for lunch and I showed them . . . nothing.
I think I'm going to die of hunger.
At recess my teacher Mrs. Gibbon passed out candy bars and told us to save them for lunch, but I sit in the back corner and she ran out just before she got to me. "All gone. Too bad," she said. I told her that if I didn't get a candy bar I was going to die from hunger. She said, "Oh how cute!" I hate sitting in the back corner.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
During reading we read a story about a little girl who ate a bowl of porridge. I didn't even have a bowl of porridge.
During math Mrs. Gibbon asked if I had two apples and she gave me two more apples how many apples do I have?
I told her, "I don't have any apples. I HAVE NOTHING! I HAVE NO LUNCH! I'M GOING TO STARVE!"
"Oh, that's too bad," she said and she patted my head. "I'm eating school lunch."
School lunch. I wish I were eating school lunch. Sometimes they serve cupcakes. Sometimes they serve Hershey bars with almonds. And sometimes they serve jelly rolls with little coconut sprinkles on top.
Today they would probably serve all three. To everyone but me.
During recess everyone played, "One potato, two potato, three potato, four." Everyone but me. I played, "No potato, no potato, no potato, none!"
It was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
After recess it was time for art. Mrs. Gibbon put out two tables of things for us to draw from. On one table was a model of a Tyrannosaurus Rex about to eat a Barbie doll. On the other table was a bowl of fruit. Everyone drew the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
I was getting so hungry that I could have eaten that Barbie doll myself.
While everyone watched the dinosaur, I snuck up to the bowl of fruit and took an apple and a peach.
When I got back to my seat I bit into the peach. It was plastic! I bit into the apple. It was plastic too. I hate plastic food. Plastic food should have warning labels on them saying "THIS IS NOT REAL FOOD! DON'T EAT IT!" I put the apple and peach in my desk in case I got real hungry in the afternoon.
Finally it was time for lunch. We all marched in, quietly and in single file. The kids who brought their own lunches went to their tables, opened up their lunch boxes, laid out their food, and their candy bar. Turns out every kid in the school got a candy bar.
Every kid but me. It was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
Then the kids who were eating school lunch walked past the serving windows as the lunch ladies passed out their food. What did they get? Cupcakes, Hershey bars, and jelly rolls, of course. And pizza, fried chicken, and chocolate cake. And french fries and milkshakes.
What did I get? Nothing. Not a thing. Not a single thing.
I sat alone at a lunch table. No one wanted to sit by someone who had no lunch. They were afraid I would try to steal their french fries. Sure, I would have, but it was mean of them to not let me sit by them anyway.
I watched the other kids. Maybe one of the kids wouldn't finish their lunch and I could get the rest of their food before they threw it away.
Nope. Every single kid in the school ate every single thing on their trays and in their lunch boxes. Even the candy bars. They even licked their trays clean so I couldn't. I trudged out to the playground. Everyone else played kick the boys and chase the girls. I was too starved to play so I just sat on the grass.
When the bell rang I stumbled into class. It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
I slumped into my chair and didn't listen while Mrs. Gibbon gave us our science lesson, something about how pretty butterflies are. I ignored her when she showed us pictures of her pet bunny. And I couldn't have cared less when she passed around her daffodil collection.
But I did lift my head and look around when everyone in my class started throwing up. Even Mrs. Gibbon. Everyone but me. Everyone was very green and doubled over. I was very hungry, but besides that I felt just fine.
Then I heard the ambulances. Hundreds of them drove onto our school playground and doctors and nurses came to carry out the students and teachers. There were enough ambulances for everyone. I told the doctor who tried to carry me out that I could walk out on my own, thank you.
I stood on the playground waiting for someone to tell me what to do, but everyone just rushed around, ignoring me, until finally all the sick people were loaded into the ambulances and driven off and I was standing on the playground all by myself.
So I walked home.
Mom came home early from work. She said she'd heard on the radio that everyone in the school had gotten sick from bad candy bars. And rotten chicken. And old pizza. And milkshakes from diseased cows. She had rushed to the hospital, but hadn't found me there, so she came home.
I told her all about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lunch.
She said it's too bad I didn't get any lunch. She said it could have been worse.
I could have GOT lunch.
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